A phase of life marked by upheaval, new roles, and difficult questions

Aging affects us all. When it comes to our own parents, however, it can also be an issue that touches us deeply, sometimes unsettles us, and brings about a great deal of upheaval. This is especially true when subtle changes—such as forgetfulness, difficulty with everyday tasks, reduced mobility, or even mood swings—begin to intensify and our parents need more and more support. Many families then find themselves facing a new, often challenging phase in which not only do needs change and roles shift, but difficult questions also arise—questions to which there isn’t always a simple answer.

How do you envision the future? – Talking to parents about the need for assistance

As our parents get older, physical and cognitive limitations aren’t always immediately obvious; instead, they develop gradually over time. This requires us to be highly attuned to detect these changes. It is important that we do not turn a blind eye to this new situation or ignore the restrictions—even though it can be difficult to see our own parents grow old.

Talk openly with your parents about what you’ve noticed, and try to avoid being patronizing or critical. Most of the time, it’s even harder for our parents themselves to accept these changes. That is why it is all the more important that you let patience and empathy guide you during these conversations, which can sometimes be uncomfortable or emotionally charged. Always keep in mind that your parents are independent individuals who should be involved in important decisions that affect their lives. So be sure to actively ask your parents what their needs are, how they envision their future, and what kind of support they need. However, we shouldn’t expect our parents to come up with a solution right away or to agree with our ideas. Rather, we can rely on continuing to discuss these issues and spark a process of reflection.

What if I don’t actually want to? – Knowing and Respecting Your Own Boundaries

As our parents grow older and may come to need assistance or care, we may also feel an inner resistance when we are asked for support. There can be many reasons for this: Perhaps we cannot combine caregiving with our other responsibilities, or we lack the energy and capacity to provide extensive support to another person. It may also be that our relationship has been strained and rather distant for some time—perhaps we’ve had little or no contact—and we are now faced with the question of whether we can help our parents. It is not uncommon for old injuries, arguments among family members, or feelings of inner conflict to surface at such times.

Other people’s expectations can carry strong moral implications, so it’s important to remember that you are the one who decides how much help to offer. There is no legal obligation to care for one’s parents. People are required to pay support to their parents who need care if their gross annual income exceeds €100,000. It’s important that you know your own limits and stick to them. The parent-child relationship will change sooner or later during this phase. If you feel resistance, don’t just ignore it; seek professional help if necessary to work through it.

Can you accept my help? – New Roles and the Challenges They Present

As people get older, traditional family roles shift: Children take on more responsibility, and parents need care and support. This can range from practical household tasks to visits to the family doctor’s office to organizing medications and care services. In addition to balancing one’s own family and professional life, this requires a high degree of organization and time management and can sometimes be emotionally taxing. So, first of all, think about what kind of support you can and would actually like to provide. Be sure to respect your own limits and try—whenever possible—to share the workload among several people. Then, together with your parents, think about which of your siblings, family members, friends, neighbors, or even professional services could be part of your support network.

Are you still able to drive safely? – Dealing with Others’ Autonomy

Understandably, many people want to remain independent for as long as possible even in old age—even as their motor and cognitive abilities decline. However, when the roles of children and parents shift, the question of autonomy quickly arises. It is a balancing act to offer necessary help while at the same time respecting and encouraging parents’ independence for as long as possible. Sometimes that also means making difficult decisions, especially when it comes to driving ability or living arrangements. Here, too, it is important to involve parents in decisions and, ultimately—even if it is difficult—to accept it when they assess the situation differently than you do.

Of course, the same rule still applies: Seek support if the situation calls for it. Perhaps our parents will be more open to discussing sensitive topics if our family doctor, siblings, friends, or other family members bring them up. Or look for compromises: For example, public transportation agencies often offer discounts to seniors who are willing to transfer. You can have your groceries delivered or use the supermarket’s pickup service. Assisted living facilities and day care centers offer a degree of independence along with the option of care. There are often solutions that satisfy the need for autonomy while still being safe. Make a point of asking your parents what might be behind their resistance and what a good compromise might look like.

Who should decide when you can’t do it anymore? – Clarify legal and financial aspects.

In addition to emotional and practical challenges, it is advisable to address the legal and financial aspects of age- or illness-related limitations as early as possible. This way, you can work together to determine in advance how decisions should be made and who is authorized to make them if your parents are no longer able to do so themselves. The rule of thumb is this: It’s better to ask questions and take care of your own affairs now than to end up having to deal with a crisis at the last minute later on. If we don’t discuss this in advance, our parents (or even we ourselves) will have to accept whatever decisions the children or other people make in an emergency.

Three of the most important advance planning documents you should consider are the power of attorney for healthcare, the advance healthcare directive, and the advance care plan. Some of these documents are legally binding and address issues such as powers of attorney, medical decisions, and the appointment of a legal guardian.

You should also talk to your parents about finances: Is there enough money set aside to cover their long-term care? What kind of pension and income do your parents have? Are there any private supplemental long-term care or death benefit insurance policies that should be considered? Have there been any gifts made in the recent past that the social services agency might reclaim if the cost of care is not adequately covered? Do you own a home, and are both spouses listed in the land registry? Is there a will, and is it up to date?

One of the most difficult issues when it comes to aging is coming to terms with death. You should also talk to your parents about the funeral and make arrangements well in advance. You can only honor your parents’ wishes and preferences if you know what they are: So ask them how they would like to be remembered, who they would like to attend the funeral service, and what kind of funeral—or even where—they would like to be buried. Here, too, it may be a good idea to discuss in advance whether there is financial coverage for the costs.

How are you personally positioned in this regard? While you’re at it, take a moment to assess how well you’re prepared for a possible illness or the need for long-term care. Take advantage of this opportunity and fill out the documents, together with your parents if necessary.

What if I can’t do it (anymore)? – Make sure to take good care of yourself

The topic of “aging” frightens many people, because growing older and caring for loved ones always involve coming to terms with decline and mortality. These issues are often given little attention in our society. It makes us realize that no one is immortal and that life ends with death. By confronting these issues and accepting that aging, dying, and death are part of life, they can lose their terror. At the same time, caring for elderly parents can be a very demanding task that takes a toll on you. This makes it all the more important not to neglect your own self-care. Take some time off, maintain your social connections, and, if needed, seek support from friends, therapists, or self-help groups. Only when you yourself are balanced and healthy can you provide your parents with the support they need.